Something was lost in the translation
Maybe this screenplay would work better as a foreign film. I caught hints of "Kill Bill", "Hanna" and the television series "Nikita". What I did not find was anything original about your saga of vengeance. In Asian chop-socky films most of the time it doesn't matter who's doing the killing on the screen. But if this is meant to be an American film it needs to be streamlined. Half the time there were so many characters occupying the scene that I didn't know what was happening to whom. I did not care for your dialouge. I have an Asian friend who describes the way your characters spoke as "fortune cookie" dialouge. Remember there have been very few films that have been successful which had a strong, Asian bent. You have to make them relatable to an American audience not the geeks which have gushed all over your screenplay. I think most of them are looking at it as a take off on an anime comic. Sorry, this import doesn't play with my imagination. Ran.
"Maybe this screenplay would work better as a foreign film."
Maybe it would because everyone else keeps calling it anime or chopsocky, which is not a term that I am fond of.
"I caught hints of "Kill Bill", "Hanna" and the television series "Nikita".
To be honest, I've seen Kill Bill and the story of Eiko actually predates it. I've not seen Hanna, nor do I really want to in order to avoid being unintentionally influenced by it, though I do know enough about the movie. As for Nikita, well I am a big fan of Luc Besson, however Eiko has little connection to my fan ship. The reason it all seems so familiar is because of two central elements. A female, and vengeance.
"What I did not find was anything original about your saga of vengeance."
You say you don't see anything original, but you mention that it reminds you of three others, and those three while being similar are perfectly unique in their own way. However there are a lot of things that make Eiko original. For one the setting isn't a cookie cutter ancient Japan background. It would be closer to Lord Of The Rings than the Last Samurai. That one element makes it unique.
"In Asian chop-socky films most of the time it doesn't matter who's doing the killing on the screen."
Okay nothing personal, but I really hate the term chop-socky. This is a major point of contention for me. It may not matter to you, but it matters to the audience. There is a reason why they are called the protagonist. They are the main character, the hero or anti-hero but the story revolves around them. Even in the Kung-Fu films from the 70's, the main character is important, that's how we ended up with Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Sonny Chiba, Gordon Liu and many others.
"But if this is meant to be an American film it needs to be streamlined."
The story is no more complex, than Star Wars or Harry Potter. I read the synopsis for Hanna, and it isn't any more of less complicated than Eiko.
"Half the time there were so many characters occupying the scene that I didn't know what was happening to whom."
That's called a supporting cast. It's very easy to work with less characters and a simple story, but that isn't the story I was trying to tell. Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter both had tremendously large cast, but that doesn't seem to be a point of contention to their success.
"I have an Asian friend who describes the way your characters spoke as "fortune cookie" dialouge."
You have an Asian friend. I have quite a few Asian friends who would disagree. There is a reason why a certain character speaks in riddles. It's because he knows what is to occur but does not want to reveal it. If you had read through the entire story you would know how and why he speaks like this.
"Remember there have been very few films that have been successful which had a strong, Asian bent."
You are entitled to your opinion, but Asian have had various degress of success over the years. There is a market for it, but few "Americans" are brave enough to try and break into it. I am.
"You have to make them relatable to an American audience not the geeks which have gushed all over your screenplay."
It's not geeks that have gushed over my screenplay. It's professionals and fellow Amazon Studio readers that have given the most positive comments about the story.
"I think most of them are looking at it as a take off on an anime comic."
Even if it was, that isn't a bad thing. Some years back it was considered a geek thing to watch a superhero cartoon or live action movie. Now they are working on the third Batman, the reboot of Superman and Spider-Man and countless others. What happens when the comic book films grow stale? Hollywood will be keeping their eyes open for the next big thing. Do you recall how The Matrix changed martial arts movies? :) my point exactly.
"Sorry, this import doesn't play with my imagination. Ran."
Well I'm sorry to hear that, but to call it an import implies that it was made somewhere else. It wasn't. Still you are entitled to your opinion, and I respect that, I just don't agree with it. Still you gave it three stars, so that's not too bad. :)
