#73 Money Where Your Mouth Is...

In spite of all the things that have happened this week, I haven't stopped trying to be busy.  My mind is too much of a busy raceway to stop for any length of time.  After a bit of consideration to my family I am back to working on my writing.  Now I was asked to read something recently and I found that while the person who wrote it was talented, they lacked some of the writing fundamentals import for fiction.  They took this as a personal attack, and challenged me to a write-off.  A duel of fiction vs. fiction.  Now I normally don't subscribe to challenges of the sort after all I was asked to look at the particular piece and give it a critiquing, however for the sake of doing something I don't normally do, I am going to put my money where my mouth is.  I will post the original unedited, unspell checked, just completely raw. and then I will post my version.  My version won't be spell check either, and what ever mistakes come from it being a first draft version.  I want you to tell me what you think.  Follow both sections and critique.  It's not a matter of which is better, but i'm sure somebody would like to know and it isn't me.