#211 Fear is...

Fear is...

Getting older, my children are getting older.  I'm reaching a point now, that I couldn't have imagined in my younger days, a point of no return.  I'm not one to admit fear of anything.  I'm not scared of much, but as I get closer and closer to forty, the fear has started to grow.  The fear of being left behind, of not being relevant, of moving slower, of not being as sharp.  Everyday the feeling grows.  

This started a few years ago, and I've struggled with it.  The once fearless looks at old age, looks at the sort of mortal rampancy, and cringes at the thought that one day I will be where I once thought and mocked.

Fear is...

Old and lonely, being replaced.  Not realizing my dreams.  A sense of emptiness on the inside.  Seeing my reflection back in the mirror.  No longer thee young man full of dreams.  A loathing that sits deep in your heart and you don't know what to do about it.  You feel like you can't do anything about it.  I worry that my fear will grow and grow like a weed, until it is the only thing left.  It is unshakable and undeniable.  A juggernaut that threatens to run you over without pause.  

That's what my fear is. It's a feeling that I can't shake.  My fear would conquer me; if I let it.  It would consume me, if I allowed that to happen.  My fear is being lost and left behind would consume me, but I've learned a thing or two. 

"Fear is not evil. 

It tells you what your weakness is.  

And once you know your weakness, 

you can become stronger and kinder."  

-Gildarts Clive; Episode 99; Fairy Tail

"Fear is understanding yourself" 

Fear is facing the things you hate about yourself, the things you deny, the things,  It's facing what you don't understand and trying what you've never challenged.  It's about doing what you've never tried.  It's about overcoming the unknown.  Fear is the act opposite of triumph.  Everything I've done in the last four months was my middle finger to fear.  Learning to play the guitar, designing a new game with TriumVerity Games, studying Western Philosophy, learning music, making music.  

These were acts of defiance against the fear that resonates within my heart.  The fear of growing older will never go away.  It's an adult thing, a middle age thing.  Even as my oldest daughter beats me in games that I once mastered, it is no longer fear, but looking on towards the new generation.  The future is a scary, frightening thing, but it's scarier if we live it in fear.