See you in 2020...

What you are about to hear is unfiltered Nytmaer at his best and his worst. 

Try to keep up.

I'm not going to do what I've done before.  Not going to do the whole new year, new me.  I'm not going to promise to do something or finish some things.  I've got so much back logged work that I no longer have the interest to do any of it.  My focus is all over the place.  I'm not a very happy person most days.  I generally have a disdain for life but I've discovered something about myself. 

I'm relentlessly optimistic. 


If there was a void at the bottom of a blackhole, I'd be convinced that somehow, some way there would be a way out or a path to another place.

I've broken so many promises here.  Things I wanted to do, things I meant to do, things I tried to learn, things I failed to commit to.  Broken promises, broken dreams.  A hundred different intentions and not a single correct action and yet I still try to make something happen.  I keep at things even if they prove to not be successful, because not being successful doesn't make something a failure.  

"...Do wrong until everything turns out right..."- Ed Wuncler Sr.

While not meant to be inspirational, there's that truth that I understand about myself.  I have the desire to do the best I can and I'm willing to put much of what I am; on the line to see if a positive result is possible.  My own variation of scientific method except 

Every failure is an attempt to prove a theory that I can be better than I am.. - Nytmaer

I'm not afraid to learn new things or accept a difference opinion.  In 2019; I challenged my own perceptions.  I tried my hand at animation, I tried my hand at 3d modeling, I practiced more sketches, I learned how to program (just a bit, but shit still)  I even tricked my own brain into doing push-ups every time I put my pants on.  

I don't have it figured out, but I'm trying to figure it out because I want to be better.  I want adventures, I want joy, I want a relief from this crippling debt and worst; crippling depression.  I want to stop feeling like I've somehow failed myself and my children.  I have to continue down a path that will take me out of the put that I feel like I occupy and be someone who inspires others to make the changes they need to make in life.

How can I lead if I cannot walk the walk?  I have to keep going until I am at a point where I can take a breath, because my time grows shorter, but every year I learn something that helps carry me into the next year.  I only hope that I can see the obstacles better in 2020...get it..see/2020

Peace, Green, Love

See you in 2020