The fear and realization of utter failure.

There was a point in my life where I really knew what it was that I wanted to do in life. I was a writer, film maker, game developer and all around talent powerhouse. (or so I told myself).  I was on a clear path (at least I thought it was)to success.  Even in the face of failure, I would still  manage to finish somethings and never lose that inner drive.  I continued like this for the last 20 years, applying my hands at whatever thing I wanted to do.

Now; the problem I'm facing is one of uncertainty.  I'm facing a crisis that I don't know how to handle.  Where I once knew the direction I wanted to take in life, now I've lost my inner motivation.   I've discovered that I'm not as great as I once thought.  I'm nothing more than a regular joe with dreams of getting out of the financial and mental ruts that I've had the terrible luck to find myself in.

I've seen my dreams turn to dust as the realization that I wasn't good enough, or strong enough or smart enough to see them through eventually set in.  I've had many dreams and projects and plans over the years.  If I scrounge through this blog I can find many entries of my youthful hope induced naïve self.  

I used to think I was good at a lot of different things or at least had the potential to be good at different subjects, but in the years that have passed, I've realized how untrue that is.  I lack the talent to accomplish most things.  I'm not nearly as talented as my children (though to be fair I'm being modest; they possess way more talent than I).  

My writing skills are only so-so.  I can barely string together enough sentences to pass high school English with a D (I've seen my high school transcripts).  I was barely intelligent enough to make it out of high school.  That's not even a knock towards myself; but the truth.  I would have given up on graduating if my mentors didn't extort me with revoking my internet access (This was in the pre-home-broadband era of 1996)

I've a list a mile long of all the things I've failed at, but I'm tired of adding to that list.  In my heart I know what it takes to succeed, but in my mind I'm working against my own best interest.  It's not getting better either.  The older I get, the worse I seem to become.  The only thing I'm good at is being stubborn but never in the way that would benefit me.  I can't stubbornly lose weight or something useful, but I can refuse to eat healthy, because that would show me who's boss.

My mind knows that to accomplish any task, requires repetition and the spirit to persevere.  I don't know if I have that anymore.  When you've hit the fail wall as often as I have, you start to lose your ability to recover from your failures.  The end result is a lot of wasted time and nothing useful gained.  Even the experience is soured by the fact that I was unable to complete what ever task that I originally set upon.

Even this blog post and this blog in general has been an utter failure.  After nearly ten plus years I've never gotten to the point where I can write a blog post that can attract any sort of real attention.  I'm not even mad about that.  I'm angry that I could never find the sweet spot between informative and entertainment that I always sought.  I wanted this to be a place where myself and others could find something in common and gain the support of a crowd who could recognize my struggle as their own.  

I never got that.  

I never found that.  

This blog is a failure like the many other failures that I've started but failed to see anything successful come about.

I'm tired.

Very, very tired.

Tired of failing.  Tired of never hitting that mark or reaching that brass ring.  I'm tired of disappointing everyone and most of all tired of disappointing myself.  I wish I could talk myself into believing that I am capable, but after getting the shit kicked out of me by life and the amount of debt that I'm in, I'm not at a place where I believe in myself anymore.  

I'm a failure and failures remain where they are until something changes.  My life has shown me that nothing will change for me and a failure I shall remain.

The preceding paragraph would have ended with: The End for me and possibly to this blog.

I want to be clear about this post.  This isn't a suicidal note or manifesto or anything like that.  This is a post to express how I feel at the current time.  I don't expect sympathy (because no one reads this) but I'm not going to become a Menace to society over these feelings either.  This is me accepting my own shortcomings and struggling to face the future because of them.  I'll still get up everyday even when I don't want to.  I'll still dream about the day when the brass ring gets a little lower or my reach becomes a little longer.  I have no intention of dying anytime soon (if I can help it).  

We have to be honest with ourselves.  When we fail, we must fail hard and do so with the complete frame of mind to rise again, to find a challenge that we can inevitably succeed at.  Over the years I've learned a lot about myself through my failings.  I learned that i was a more diligent screenwriter as I was a talented one.  I realized that I favor strong female characters, though I have yet to meet the requirements of the Bechdel test.  (I actually have but not in a published manner).  I am terrible at math and business, but I am good at giving advice (as long as it isn't a benefit to me it seems).  I am a good leader when I'm mentally balanced, but a complete wreck when life skews too out of balance.

I really don't know where I'll go next or what I'll do next.  I feel like a man with fewer options as a new gray hair becomes a part of the permanent collective.  The things I want to do; I cannot.  The things I must do; don't leave me with many options of upward mobility; so the only thing I can do is by most definitions; pure insanity.  (i.e. I must keep doing something over and over even with diminishing or no returns), and I must do this for the sake of my own sanity.  Life is hard out there, and in order to prepare for the worst that is to come, I must fail hard, fail fast and fail often so that I can eventually arrive at a point of success.  

Will I ever make it?  I don't know.  I'd like to believe that there is a better point out there for me, where I'll make a difference.  If I quit now, I'll never know.  If I keep at it, I might still find what I seek at the end of the tunnel.