I received this today, and while it was amazingly positive and insightful, I still got the feeling that they didn't really get all of what I was going for. So here is the feedback. I will break it down in the following post .
We want your script to be the best that it can be, so we’re sharing with you the following feedback from our Story Department. This feedback is provided for informational use only, and is not in any way a request on our part for you to make changes in your screenplay.
Story Feedback: EIKO
Draft: 3rd Draft
Writer: Kenan Brack
EIKO is an imaginative, fantasy martial arts epic with hyper-stylized action set pieces combining unique elements that marry eastern backgrounds with western fantasy. The writer shows a knack for developing detailed combat sequences incorporating magic into traditional martial arts movements providing a contemporary and fresh tone throughout the story. Eiko is an interesting character that shows mass appeal as a combination of a bad-ass girl who also feels vulnerable as an innocent and naïve young woman. The script shows promise but on the next pass, we believe the script could benefit from streamlining the plot resulting in a refined structure, creating deeper character arcs as well as designing the rules and background for the magic powers.
PLOT AND STRUCTURE
The core premise promises a new take on a familiar storyline but the beats don’t necessarily flow naturally giving off an episodic feel. From overcoming Ayane in the first act to the one-year adventure in the city, the script could flow more naturally and tie together the individual beats into a cohesive plot. Streamlining the story could help in creating more seamless movements through the individual beats. Let’s try to create a definitive three-act structure.
From the first moments in the opening scene discovering Eiko’s origin, the audience knows more than our protagonist. Currently, this information is something Eiko discovers three-quarters of the way through the story. The sense of mystery surrounding our character regarding her past does not exist with the audience removing any suspense or intrigue. Perhaps Eiko could find out about her past in the first act break. Discovering the truth about her place in the clan sooner could lead her towards a feeling of betrayal motivating her escape from her mentor and the clan. In her escape to the city, she could meet Rai and fall in love deciding that she no longer wants anything to do with the clan.
The last two battles have Eiko walking in to the Great Hall of the Kurohana hoping to get the drop on Shirokage. These two sequences feel repetitive. Perhaps Shirokage should ambush Eiko at the safe house where he killed Ginkage. By having him get the drop on her, we can surprise the audience as well as ratchet up the tension as Eiko is unprepared and senses she is no match for Shirokage.
CHARACTERS
EIKO
Currently, Eiko’s character journey is loosely defined. Therefore, aside from her ability to fight, it is unclear how Eiko changes through this story. Let’s try to emphasize her sense of loneliness as the emotional through line surrounding Eiko. Perhaps she is a girl who has no sense of her own history and feels alienated from the rest of the clan. She feels lost and alone. Her mentor, Ginkage, is a firm leader who keeps her at arms length and practices tough love in order to make Eiko strong. Through her years in the clan, she doesn’t let anyone in and doesn’t trust anyone. The first time she opens up is when she develops a relationship with Rai but Rai is “killed”. Consequently, her emotional turn and her strength to defeat Shirokage comes not only with the help of Rai but also with the realization that the ones who love her (Sakura and Ginkage) will always be with her and she will never be alone. We may want to consider getting rid of the Yoko and Gisei characters to emphasize this sense of loneliness not only during her time in the clan but outside in the city as well.
Eiko’s motivations behind her actions are not entirely clear. Currently, Eiko does not have an interest in discovering her past. By the time she does discover the truth about her past, the audience is unable to realize the full emotional impact because Ginkage is dead and Eiko is unable to confront him about his part in the death of her parents. Also, when Rai is killed, Eiko just goes back to the clan instead of looking for the assassin that killed Rai. As discussed above, let’s consider setting up Eiko’s curiosity about her parents in the first act. The discovery of the truth can lead her to confront Ginkage and decide to leave the clan allowing her to explore the world. We may also want to have Eiko address Rai’s death. Perhaps Eiko rejoins the clan in hopes of finding Shikan, the mysterious assassin. By addressing these unfulfilled concerns, we can make Eiko a more rounded and believable character.
The relationship between Eiko and Rai is developed quickly through a montage. We may want to see one more scene of the couple allowing the audience to get invested in their relationship. Perhaps we can add a heartfelt scene where we see Eiko and Rai truly bond as they both humorously avoid and dodge the discussion about each other’s past.
GINKAGE
Ginkage is a fantastic mentor character. He truly follows the mantra of tough love in order to build Eiko into a strong individual that can take on the world. However, there are too many questions left unanswered about his character that muddies his arc through the story. Currently, the first action Ginkage takes is the death and destruction of Eiko’s village. We see in the visions that Ginkage lost his wife and child to a dragon attack but it is unclear how he goes from there to starting an assassin clan. Ginkage also has great protégés showing that he is not an evil man. Perhaps the clan was started in order to help people but over the years Shirokage has soiled the honor with false jobs and death for hire. Let’s make sure we understand his foray in to the dark side in order to understand how saving Eiko can bring him back for redemption.
SHIROKAGE
Shirokage reveals his true face is the face of a younger Ginkage (p. 110). The idea is never set up resulting in an unclear and confusing beat. It feels like an unnecessary twist. Perhaps we should exclude this Scooby doo moment in the story and take out the reveal of Shirokage’s true face.
Although Shirokage is already portrayed as a tough bad guy, in the opening scene there is a missed opportunity in order to draw more emotion and dislike for Shirokage. Perhaps we should see Shirokage kill Eiko’s father or mother. Making the death of Eiko’s parents directly at the hands of Shirokage can not only be an iconic moment to open the story but also increase the emotional beat when Eiko finally kills Shirokage.
Story Feedback: EIKO
Draft: 3rd Draft
Writer: Kenan Brack
EIKO is an imaginative, fantasy martial arts epic with hyper-stylized action set pieces combining unique elements that marry eastern backgrounds with western fantasy. The writer shows a knack for developing detailed combat sequences incorporating magic into traditional martial arts movements providing a contemporary and fresh tone throughout the story. Eiko is an interesting character that shows mass appeal as a combination of a bad-ass girl who also feels vulnerable as an innocent and naïve young woman. The script shows promise but on the next pass, we believe the script could benefit from streamlining the plot resulting in a refined structure, creating deeper character arcs as well as designing the rules and background for the magic powers.
PLOT AND STRUCTURE
The core premise promises a new take on a familiar storyline but the beats don’t necessarily flow naturally giving off an episodic feel. From overcoming Ayane in the first act to the one-year adventure in the city, the script could flow more naturally and tie together the individual beats into a cohesive plot. Streamlining the story could help in creating more seamless movements through the individual beats. Let’s try to create a definitive three-act structure.
From the first moments in the opening scene discovering Eiko’s origin, the audience knows more than our protagonist. Currently, this information is something Eiko discovers three-quarters of the way through the story. The sense of mystery surrounding our character regarding her past does not exist with the audience removing any suspense or intrigue. Perhaps Eiko could find out about her past in the first act break. Discovering the truth about her place in the clan sooner could lead her towards a feeling of betrayal motivating her escape from her mentor and the clan. In her escape to the city, she could meet Rai and fall in love deciding that she no longer wants anything to do with the clan.
The last two battles have Eiko walking in to the Great Hall of the Kurohana hoping to get the drop on Shirokage. These two sequences feel repetitive. Perhaps Shirokage should ambush Eiko at the safe house where he killed Ginkage. By having him get the drop on her, we can surprise the audience as well as ratchet up the tension as Eiko is unprepared and senses she is no match for Shirokage.
CHARACTERS
EIKO
Currently, Eiko’s character journey is loosely defined. Therefore, aside from her ability to fight, it is unclear how Eiko changes through this story. Let’s try to emphasize her sense of loneliness as the emotional through line surrounding Eiko. Perhaps she is a girl who has no sense of her own history and feels alienated from the rest of the clan. She feels lost and alone. Her mentor, Ginkage, is a firm leader who keeps her at arms length and practices tough love in order to make Eiko strong. Through her years in the clan, she doesn’t let anyone in and doesn’t trust anyone. The first time she opens up is when she develops a relationship with Rai but Rai is “killed”. Consequently, her emotional turn and her strength to defeat Shirokage comes not only with the help of Rai but also with the realization that the ones who love her (Sakura and Ginkage) will always be with her and she will never be alone. We may want to consider getting rid of the Yoko and Gisei characters to emphasize this sense of loneliness not only during her time in the clan but outside in the city as well.
Eiko’s motivations behind her actions are not entirely clear. Currently, Eiko does not have an interest in discovering her past. By the time she does discover the truth about her past, the audience is unable to realize the full emotional impact because Ginkage is dead and Eiko is unable to confront him about his part in the death of her parents. Also, when Rai is killed, Eiko just goes back to the clan instead of looking for the assassin that killed Rai. As discussed above, let’s consider setting up Eiko’s curiosity about her parents in the first act. The discovery of the truth can lead her to confront Ginkage and decide to leave the clan allowing her to explore the world. We may also want to have Eiko address Rai’s death. Perhaps Eiko rejoins the clan in hopes of finding Shikan, the mysterious assassin. By addressing these unfulfilled concerns, we can make Eiko a more rounded and believable character.
The relationship between Eiko and Rai is developed quickly through a montage. We may want to see one more scene of the couple allowing the audience to get invested in their relationship. Perhaps we can add a heartfelt scene where we see Eiko and Rai truly bond as they both humorously avoid and dodge the discussion about each other’s past.
GINKAGE
Ginkage is a fantastic mentor character. He truly follows the mantra of tough love in order to build Eiko into a strong individual that can take on the world. However, there are too many questions left unanswered about his character that muddies his arc through the story. Currently, the first action Ginkage takes is the death and destruction of Eiko’s village. We see in the visions that Ginkage lost his wife and child to a dragon attack but it is unclear how he goes from there to starting an assassin clan. Ginkage also has great protégés showing that he is not an evil man. Perhaps the clan was started in order to help people but over the years Shirokage has soiled the honor with false jobs and death for hire. Let’s make sure we understand his foray in to the dark side in order to understand how saving Eiko can bring him back for redemption.
SHIROKAGE
Shirokage reveals his true face is the face of a younger Ginkage (p. 110). The idea is never set up resulting in an unclear and confusing beat. It feels like an unnecessary twist. Perhaps we should exclude this Scooby doo moment in the story and take out the reveal of Shirokage’s true face.
Although Shirokage is already portrayed as a tough bad guy, in the opening scene there is a missed opportunity in order to draw more emotion and dislike for Shirokage. Perhaps we should see Shirokage kill Eiko’s father or mother. Making the death of Eiko’s parents directly at the hands of Shirokage can not only be an iconic moment to open the story but also increase the emotional beat when Eiko finally kills Shirokage.
Shirokage’s name is changed to Takeshi three-quarters of the way through the script but it is unclear why this change takes place. Is this a different character? What warrants the name change? Ayune’s name is changed as well when she becomes the fire master, Shikan. There are already a large number of characters with difficult names to remember in the story. Changing the name of a prominent character can make things even more confusing. Perhaps we should keep the original name for Shirokage and Ayune.
Currently, there are a lot of characters with difficult names in the story. Too many supporting characters can take time away from the main characters. Let’s try to make the story easier to follow. As noted above and below, we may want to consider getting rid of Yoko, Gisei and the Benimaru character. Another idea is to eliminate Rai’s super team of friends from the story. These characters are introduced in the third act and only play a part in the final battle. With their introduction and involvement in the final battle, it feels as if Eiko’s last victory may have more to do with their help than her character’s internal growth and triumph.
Eiko’s sister, Ami, gets lost in the story. It is unclear if she is killed in the opening scene or if she escapes. Let’s clarify what happened to Ami. Perhaps we can open this epic fantasy up to a possible sequel by revealing Ami as Shikan instead of Ayune. Ami could have been a secret protégé of Shirokage. Another idea would be to reveal Ami as the leader of Rai’s people.
MAGIC
The magic powers of the assassins create some very cool set pieces and action sequences but the powers are undefined and unclear. Let’s create a background and some rules for their powers not only to understand them but also to help the audience buy into this world. Currently, Benimaru instills powers into the clan assassins but it is unclear how Rai is a flame master or how some of the other magic exists in this unique world. Perhaps we should stick to one explanation and sell the magical world that is already infused with flame masters, dragons and clairvoyants. In this case, we may also want to consider getting rid of the Benimaru character since his only purpose is to instill the powers into the assassins.
If the powers are considered the realm of magic, let’s make sure we follow a specific set of rules for each individual’s powers. Currently, the individual powers seem to vary from energy based projectiles to fire master, clairvoyance to super speed. Perhaps an individual should be limited to a specific skill and only special individuals like Shirokage, Ginkage and Eiko have shown the surprising advantage of more than one skill. By guiding a specific set of rules, we can help to understand why some individuals are more powerful than others as well as understand the world being created.
The clairvoyant magic that passes from Sakura to Ginkage to Eiko is confusing. How did Sakura gain this specific power? If the power started with Sakura, how was she able to pass it on to Ginkage? This power is so unique and is an important device throughout the story. Let’s consider giving the power an interesting origin. We may want to consider the dragon attack somehow leaving Sakura with her blindness but also passing on this gift to her, dragon magic. Perhaps this power acts not only to see the future but also allows the individual to remember the past. The passing of the torch to Eiko can be an emotionally cathartic event as she is able to experience the memories of her forgotten mother as well as learn the extensive magic knowledge of her grandfather.
SMALL NOTES
• Suicide is not in line with Eiko’s character (p. 86). Eiko is a warrior and would fight to the death. Her friends also just sacrificed their lives to save her. Let’s consider removing this beat from the story.
• When the group is assigned to the cathedral job, Ginkage says he needs to attend to other business but as soon as the mission is over, Ginkage is there to debrief them.
• Rai states that there are other motivations (p. 93) for his group to hunt the clan. This is never addressed and left a mystery.
• Ginkage is shown to have the power to freeze people with his stare (p. 13). Although introduced, this power never pays off and is never revisited in the story. Let’s consider removing this beat from the story.
• The events in the opening sequence are unclear. What was the purpose of the big sacrifice cocoon fire created by the spell-caster? It killed everyone and it wasn’t clear who was saved for their sacrifice. Did Eiko’s father die in that fire? Let’s clarify the purpose of the cocoon.
Strengths
• Hyper-stylized action set pieces
• Imaginative, unique fantasy world
• Captivating heroine character
Questions
• Can we streamline the storyline in order to create a proper three-act structure?
• Can we further develop the character arcs of Eiko and Ginkage?
• Could the magic background and rules be clarified to better understand the world?
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