This is my feedback on Amazon Studios Feedback for my screenplay Eiko. I will only comment on the sections that were either misunderstood, misinterpreted or just need clarification.
PLOT AND STRUCTURE
The core premise promises a new take on a familiar storyline but the beats don’t necessarily flow naturally giving off an episodic feel. From overcoming Ayane in the first act to the one-year adventure in the city, the script could flow more naturally and tie together the individual beats into a cohesive plot. Streamlining the story could help in creating more seamless movements through the individual beats. Let’s try to create a definitive three-act structure.
(I agree. Considering that Eiko was my very first screenplay it has managed to break a few rules, something that I have fixed in other stories that I have written since then.)
From the first moments in the opening scene discovering Eiko’s origin, the audience knows more than our protagonist. Currently, this information is something Eiko discovers three-quarters of the way through the story. The sense of mystery surrounding our character regarding her past does not exist with the audience removing any suspense or intrigue. Perhaps Eiko could find out about her past in the first act break. Discovering the truth about her place in the clan sooner could lead her towards a feeling of betrayal motivating her escape from her mentor and the clan. In her escape to the city, she could meet Rai and fall in love deciding that she no longer wants anything to do with the clan.
(While it is a good suggestion, I think it would change too much of the story. There is a reason that things are revealed in the order they are. Eiko did ask Ginkage about her, past but that was something that he would NOT reveal to her. Also the way that it plays out makes it somewhat different from it's contemporaries like Hanna.)
The last two battles have Eiko walking in to the Great Hall of the Kurohana hoping to get the drop on Shirokage. These two sequences feel repetitive. Perhaps Shirokage should ambush Eiko at the safe house where he killed Ginkage. By having him get the drop on her, we can surprise the audience as well as ratchet up the tension as Eiko is unprepared and senses she is no match for Shirokage.
(I disagree. The last two battles do not have Eiko walking into the great hall, and she was not trying to get the drop on him. She was coming for him to engage in a final confrontation, sort of like the ending battle in the film Ultraviolet. Now while your idea is interesting, it does manage to throw off the timing of events, it would also require the creation of another location for Eiko to hide in while recuperating)
CHARACTERS
EIKO
Currently, Eiko’s character journey is loosely defined. Therefore, aside from her ability to fight, it is unclear how Eiko changes through this story. Let’s try to emphasize her sense of loneliness as the emotional through line surrounding Eiko. Perhaps she is a girl who has no sense of her own history and feels alienated from the rest of the clan. She feels lost and alone. Her mentor, Ginkage, is a firm leader who keeps her at arms length and practices tough love in order to make Eiko strong.
(I like this, and I may try to implement more of these ideas in future drafts.)
Through her years in the clan, she doesn’t let anyone in and doesn’t trust anyone.
(Now this isn't exactly true. She lets Yoko and Gisei in, but the rest of the clan treats her as an outcast. That is why she doesn't even stay in the fortress. She is nothing but an outsider and treated as such due to the machinations of Shirokage)
The first time she opens up is when she develops a relationship with Rai but Rai is “killed”.
(See above.)
Consequently, her emotional turn and her strength to defeat Shirokage comes not only with the help of Rai but also with the realization that the ones who love her (Sakura and Ginkage) will always be with her and she will never be alone.
(I created Yoko and Gisei to provide a supporting cast, as well as to give a bit of structure to the assassin team hierarchy.)
We may want to consider getting rid of the Yoko and Gisei characters to emphasize this sense of loneliness not only during her time in the clan but outside in the city as well.
(Might consider, though somewhat unlikely, since it is through them and their interaction that more of the human side of Eiko shows through.)
Eiko’s motivations behind her actions are not entirely clear.
(That is clearly on purpose. Trust me.)
Currently, Eiko does not have an interest in discovering her past. By the time she does discover the truth about her past, the audience is unable to realize the full emotional impact because Ginkage is dead and Eiko is unable to confront him about his part in the death of her parents.
(The issues in regards to her past are tied into some of the mysticism in the story. Also one has to realize, that Ginkage was manipulated by Shirokage prior to the start of the film)
Also, when Rai is killed, Eiko just goes back to the clan instead of looking for the assassin that killed Rai.
(That's because Eiko has a very small role in the clan. Disobedience is not tolerated just like any similar organization. The assassin for all she knew was from a rival clan, because she had never seen or witnessed a similar power before. Purple flames are not a common phenomena.)
As discussed above, let’s consider setting up Eiko’s curiosity about her parents in the first act. The discovery of the truth can lead her to confront Ginkage and decide to leave the clan allowing her to explore the world. We may also want to have Eiko address Rai’s death. Perhaps Eiko rejoins the clan in hopes of finding Shikan, the mysterious assassin. By addressing these unfulfilled concerns, we can make Eiko a more rounded and believable character.
(While I would like to round Eiko's character out more, the steps you mention would work against her. Remember Eiko is just a soldier. She doesn't get to make decisions, just follow orders. Disobedience means death. Simply put.)
The relationship between Eiko and Rai is developed quickly through a montage. We may want to see one more scene of the couple allowing the audience to get invested in their relationship. Perhaps we can add a heartfelt scene where we see Eiko and Rai truly bond as they both humorously avoid and dodge the discussion about each other’s past.
(This I definitely agree with. I wanted to show more of their burgeoning relationship, but decided to keep things short and instead show through the passage of the seasons how they grew closer with Eiko's voice over adding how she felt. Still It's not something that cannot be improved upon.)
GINKAGE
Ginkage is a fantastic mentor character. He truly follows the mantra of tough love in order to build Eiko into a strong individual that can take on the world.
(It's not just the world he is preparing her for.)
However, there are too many questions left unanswered about his character that muddies his arc through the story. Currently, the first action Ginkage takes is the death and destruction of Eiko’s village.
(If you killed your own child who you believed to be dead, would you know unless someone told you. Neither would Ginkage.)
We see in the visions that Ginkage lost his wife and child to a dragon attack but it is unclear how he goes from there to starting an assassin clan.
(I never said that he started the clan. The clan has existed for many years, but when he was younger, he was the equivelent of a high ranking officer, with the ability to step outside of the clan. Once he took over from the previous leader, he created new rules and made the clan more regimented.)
Ginkage also has great protégés showing that he is not an evil man.
(After the "death" of his wife and daughter, he remained loyal to his clan, and even used them to kill the dragon. The tooth of which comprises the handle of Shirokage's sword. He was not evil though, he was more like a mercenary that did bad things on occasion, but even a merc is loyal to his fellow mercs.)
Perhaps the clan was started in order to help people but over the years Shirokage has soiled the honor with false jobs and death for hire. Let’s make sure we understand his foray in to the dark side in order to understand how saving Eiko can bring him back for redemption.
(See above. In regards to his dark side, Ginkage never felt bad for the things that he had done. It was a means to an end. As Eiko said once. "Simply business")
SHIROKAGE
Shirokage reveals his true face is the face of a younger Ginkage (p. 110). The idea is never set up resulting in an unclear and confusing beat. It feels like an unnecessary twist. Perhaps we should exclude this Scooby doo moment in the story and take out the reveal of Shirokage’s true face.
(We could, and I've always pondered on whether I should take it out or leave it in. It was sort of setup before hand. Whenever Ginkage's face was revealed it was always the face of a younger man, but he was old enough to nearly be a great-grandfather.)
Although Shirokage is already portrayed as a tough bad guy, in the opening scene there is a missed opportunity in order to draw more emotion and dislike for Shirokage. Perhaps we should see Shirokage kill Eiko’s father or mother.
(I agree with you here. Eiko's father does not need to survive the battle in the village, and death by his hand would be a greater source of motivation. Still he is directly responsible for the death of Sakura. It was because of her and what she knew that forced him to destroy the village in the first place.)
Making the death of Eiko’s parents directly at the hands of Shirokage can not only be an iconic moment to open the story but also increase the emotional beat when Eiko finally kills Shirokage.
SUPPORTING CHARACTERS
Shirokage’s name is changed to Takeshi three-quarters of the way through the script but it is unclear why this change takes place. Is this a different character? What warrants the name change? Ayune’s name is changed as well when she becomes the fire master, Shikan. There are already a large number of characters with difficult names to remember in the story. Changing the name of a prominent character can make things even more confusing. Perhaps we should keep the original name for Shirokage and Ayune.
(Shirokage is a title. It means white shadow, just as Ginkage means Silver shadow. The colors represent evil in Shirokage's case, and age in Ginkage's case. Shirokage's true name is Takeshi. To address someone by name without a title or honorific either means you know them closely, or are in a backhanded sort of way, disrespecting them. It would be like calling your superior officer by his name and not addressing them as General or Commander, Sir. As for Ayane, that was because she was in disguise. A complete disguise. That's why I tried to be careful not to reveal Shikan's identity or even gender.)
Currently, there are a lot of characters with difficult names in the story. Too many supporting characters can take time away from the main characters. Let’s try to make the story easier to follow. As noted above and below, we may want to consider getting rid of Yoko, Gisei and the Benimaru character. Another idea is to eliminate Rai’s super team of friends from the story. These characters are introduced in the third act and only play a part in the final battle. With their introduction and involvement in the final battle, it feels as if Eiko’s last victory may have more to do with their help than her character’s internal growth and triumph.
(I get that a lot, but the names are important to the Asian theme. It's sort of what you expect in a movie with asian assassins. Now as for the elimination of Rai's team of friends that's been an issue in question, but for now I will keep them in. Their role while a small one is what allows Eiko to complete her goal. As powerful as Eiko is, I wanted her to come across as not being completely invincible.)
Eiko’s sister, Ami, gets lost in the story. It is unclear if she is killed in the opening scene or if she escapes. Let’s clarify what happened to Ami. Perhaps we can open this epic fantasy up to a possible sequel by revealing Ami as Shikan instead of Ayune. Ami could have been a secret protégé of Shirokage. Another idea would be to reveal Ami as the leader of Rai’s people.
(Ami has a role, but that is for another story, but I can say that Ami is alive.)
MAGIC
The magic powers of the assassins create some very cool set pieces and action sequences but the powers are undefined and unclear. Let’s create a background and some rules for their powers not only to understand them but also to help the audience buy into this world. Currently, Benimaru instills powers into the clan assassins but it is unclear how Rai is a flame master or how some of the other magic exists in this unique world. Perhaps we should stick to one explanation and sell the magical world that is already infused with flame masters, dragons and clairvoyants. In this case, we may also want to consider getting rid of the Benimaru character since his only purpose is to instill the powers into the assassins.
(Everything is not simply defined as magic. In this world there exist magic, chi, ki, cosmic force, holy magic, innate ability and magic through experimentation. The last one is where Benimaru comes in. Think of him as a magic scientist . He also adds as a source of why Eiko's life was so messed up.)
If the powers are considered the realm of magic, let’s make sure we follow a specific set of rules for each individual’s powers. Currently, the individual powers seem to vary from energy based projectiles to fire master, clairvoyance to super speed. Perhaps an individual should be limited to a specific skill and only special individuals like Shirokage, Ginkage and Eiko have shown the surprising advantage of more than one skill. By guiding a specific set of rules, we can help to understand why some individuals are more powerful than others as well as understand the world being created.
(There are rules, but it would be hard to implement them into the story as a set of rules. If you make a story about science, you cannot always explain the different scientific disciplines even if they are crucial to the background elements of the story. But there rules.)
The clairvoyant magic that passes from Sakura to Ginkage to Eiko is confusing. How did Sakura gain this specific power? If the power started with Sakura, how was she able to pass it on to Ginkage? This power is so unique and is an important device throughout the story. Let’s consider giving the power an interesting origin. We may want to consider the dragon attack somehow leaving Sakura with her blindness but also passing on this gift to her, dragon magic. Perhaps this power acts not only to see the future but also allows the individual to remember the past. The passing of the torch to Eiko can be an emotionally cathartic event as she is able to experience the memories of her forgotten mother as well as learn the extensive magic knowledge of her grandfather.
(The oracle power is a bloodline trait normally passed down mother to eldest daughter, but that isn't the only way it can be passed along. Because she was near death, Sakura modified the ability so that it could be passed along to one who shared her bloodline; i.e. her father. Amaya passed the ability onto Sakura. Now as for Eiko receiving the power; well it is a cathartic moment as she sees her family for the first time, and she does learn what her grandfather knew. She even says it to Takeshi/Shirokage in their battle on the rooftop.)
SMALL NOTES
• Suicide is not in line with Eiko’s character (p. 86). Eiko is a warrior and would fight to the death. Her friends
also just sacrificed their lives to save her. Let’s consider removing this beat from the story.
(Not necessarily true. Eiko had just lost the only world she has ever known, and just barely managed to escape from the battle that would have killed her. The people that cared about her were gone, and she had nothing left, not even hope. The Kurohana would have found her and took her back. Death would have been quick and easy, compared to the torture she would have faced at the hands of Shirokage/Takeshi and Shikan/Ayane)
• When the group is assigned to the cathedral job, Ginkage says he needs to attend to other business but as soon as the mission is over, Ginkage is there to debrief them.
(There is a passage of time between Ginkage leaving, and the completion of the mission. They had to study their target before going out to kill them. There was a lot of intelligence gathering to be done. It wasn't done in the same day, but with the oracle powers, Ginkage knew when to return. That was a common theme. Ginkage always knew. Yoko brings it up several times.)
• Rai states that there are other motivations (p. 93) for his group to hunt the clan. This is never addressed and left a mystery.
(That is because there is another story going on simultaneously. Rai and his group are on their own quest, but the Shirokage was directly tied into that quest.)
• Ginkage is shown to have the power to freeze people with his stare (p. 13). Although introduced, this power never pays off and is never revisited in the story. Let’s consider removing this beat from the story.
(Hmmm. Maybe.)
• The events in the opening sequence are unclear. What was the purpose of the big sacrifice cocoon fire created by the spell-caster? It killed everyone and it wasn’t clear who was saved for their sacrifice. Did Eiko’s father die in that fire? Let’s clarify the purpose of the cocoon.
(The fire was meant to be an attack as well as a distraction so that the others could escape. I thought it was pretty clear when the village survivors disappeared.)
Strengths
• Hyper-stylized action set pieces
• Imaginative, unique fantasy world
• Captivating heroine character
Questions
• Can we streamline the storyline in order to create a proper three-act structure?
• Can we further develop the character arcs of Eiko and Ginkage?
• Could the magic background and rules be clarified to better understand the world?
All in all a pretty solid piece of feedback and greatly appreciated.
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